Lesbian assassin screenplay rules
This is a screenwriting public service announcement, for your comfort and safety.
When writing screenplays about lesbian assassins, there are some simple rules that should be obeyed for greater enjoyment, fewer complaints about clichés, and fewer lesbians demonstrating outside the theater and setting fire to your house.
- Lesbians are not ice-cold psychopats who kill men on a whim. Not even lesbian assassins.
- Lesbians do not generally hate men, or despise them.
- Lesbian assassins do not show a predilection for attacking male victims’ genitals.
- Lesbians do not become lesbians because they are tired of men, are betrayed by them, or because they are raped.
- Lesbians are not hypersexual seducers who can turn any straight woman to a life of cunnilingus and comfortable shoes by a mere smoldering look.
- Lesbians do not necessarily die at the end, nor do they lose their true love, or are otherwise punished for their otherness.
- Lesbian assassins do not wear schoolgirl uniforms unless there’s a good reason. Well, at least a somewhat plausible reason. Alright, go ahead, put them in a schoolgirl uniform, you know you want to.
- Lesbians do not lounge around half-naked any more than straight women do, sadly.
- Lesbians, even lesbian assassins, probably have a fairly normal life outside of the hot, hot girl on girl action. Not that you care.
I’m sure there are more, but these should get you started. Subvert the dominant paradigm, damn you. Oh, and do it with style. And tits.
April 25th, 2006 at 5:28 pm
However, if you make them east european lesbian assasins you can do all the fun cliché things and just blame it on the russians. Ex-KGB dike copkillahs for example. And don’t forget to work in “rug muncher” somewhere in the dialog.
April 25th, 2006 at 5:46 pm
Thing is, I don’t want to do the cliché stuff, I want to surprise people.
How do you say rug muncher en Spanish?
May 1st, 2006 at 9:12 pm
Hilarious. Although the reason lesbian assassins usually die in the end has more to do with their being evil than their ‘otherness’ in my opinion. Either way, though, it’s a friggin’ shame. Because if there’s one thing this world could use more of, it’s lesbian assassins.
July 5th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
I’d kill ‘em all, frickin dykes,
July 15th, 2006 at 1:55 am
I’ve got this friend in Hollywood who is obsessed with vampires. He’s written a number of screenplays and stage plays, all concerning vampires. He also had a band in the 80s called “Fang”.
Anyway, this one screenplay he submitted to New Line was about Vampires and Lesbian Witches. I never actually read the script, but suffice it to say it sounded fairly cheesey (and fun): Vampire somehow gets on the bad side of a coven of witches, they spend most of the movie trying to kill him, he is finally victorious, etc.
The woman at New Line who rejected the script was a Wiccan, and wrote a lenghty rejection letter, telling my friend how fucked up he was for trying to spread false stereotypes! The great irony, of course, is that at the end of the letter, she puts a curse on him (even tho’ it’s against her principles, it’s for the “greater good” was her justification).
I’m certain I could get a copy of the script from him if anyone wanted to help me translated it. We could make a bangin’ movie about vampiros y brujas.
July 17th, 2006 at 1:16 am
Marcos: People obsessed with vampires can get a little tiresome. (However, people obsessed with ninjas are awesome! And don’t even get me started on ninja pirates.)
Vampires and witches were some of the standard bad guys in mexploitation movies of the 60s and 70s, of course. I’m currently reading the book called “Mexploitation!”, which is a serious critical analysis of the phenomenon, a review is coming up.